Nothing Lasts Forever

After six years, I feel that I get worse in missing him every year. That's probably because I get worse in remembering his presence every year. I swear, I really still can't believe that it's just going to be me and my mom from now on. I always try to picture how life would be like if he were still alive, but honestly I can't. I'm a different person than that naive 10 year old I used to be. Every one's always like 'he'd probably be as strict on you, even worse, than he was before' but I think differently. But I guess I'll never know, so there's no point in even trying to imagine it. I remember, I think it was last year that me and my family were watching old home videos. And there my dad was. I was so surprised that my dad's voice sounds like that. I couldn't even remember. I really only have had 7 years with my dad. From the day I was born til I was three, I can't remember any memories, but what toddler does? And that's what makes me so sad. Usually daughters spend half a lifetime with their dads. I've only gotten 7. I took his presence for granted those measly 7 years. I would always be angry with him that I never got to be like the rest of the kids at school. I couldn't hang out afterschool, I'd get in trouble if I hung out with bad kids, my manners were on point 24/7, but I was so carefree and happy through it all.

That one day, December 9 2001 was probably the most shocked I've ever been in my life. I should be slapped a million times. It's sad that the only time I remember everything perfectly with him is that one tragic week. And that's this week. I only remember small bits of my life with him before it all. I think I'm going to sleep before I cry even more and look like an even worse zombie than I did today. Gah today was horrible. But you know, gotta keep that smile so that no questions are asked and I still appear that happy person. Although, I do wish I could just so easily cry and be able to talk to someone about it, but everyone's caught up in their own problems that I guess the only person is myself and plus, I wouldn't want to pour out my tears and feelings at school which is the only place I really see people.